Stages of Joblessness Continued

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. --Ambrose Redmoon 

Stage Six: Panic Begins:

Around noon on Monday, I was starting to feel antsy and panicky.  I had plenty of work to do—I was getting ready to teach a brand new, intense course for gifted students and I had more than enough prep work to keep me occupied all morning.  But all too soon, reality came back.  I was jobless.  And I had already done everything that I could think of to do about that problem. 

The only thing I could do was wait.  And check my e-mail even more obsessively than I had been doing it before.  Nothing was there.

Stage Seven: Scary Considerations:

I had never before considered a job outside of education.  I have always felt called into this field, professionally and personally, and I had never really thought about what else I might do.  Sure, I throw out things that I want to do—I want to be a writer. I want to be the voice that reads audio books, I could be a great wedding planner or professional traveler.  But I had never considered them to be a great option for a new feasible career.

The real issue was that there was only a limited window of time that I could get a job in education for the next year—once the school year started, if I didn’t have anything, I wasn’t going to get anything.   So if that job didn’t come through, what else, exactly was I going to do?

I went to small group with my roommate Megan, partly just to get out of the house, and before I did, I (of course) checked the job list for FCPS.  The job I had been most hoping for, the place where I’d interviewed, the one that was super convenient to my house, the school which I had listed a position I was uniquely qualified to fulfill, was gone.  And with it came a pit in my stomach.

I was really blessed to have something else to think about during the evening and not have the ability to check my phone and e-mail.

After small group, Meg and I went to the grocery store and I told her something I’d been turning over in my head.  It was oddly related to Harry Potter, which I do recognize is not actually real life. But, I was thinking about how I’d adopted the viewpoint that JK Rowling actually had to kill Dumbledore because otherwise, Harry would never have been able to actually fulfill his quest on his own.  So maybe this job had come down so that I could take the one I actually was meant to take.  Maybe if this job hadn’t come down, I would’ve held out for something that was not in the cards for me.  As I write this, I’m not entirely sure the HP connection is clear, but it felt connected to me. 

Stage Eight: Fear

I’m scared—no ifs ands or buts about it.  If this seems like an over reaction (and it probably does) that I was this scared after only seeing the job postings for a little over a week, understand that’s not the whole picture.  I’d been working on getting a job with this county since January.  I’d been going on interviews since March, been communicating with department heads and assistant principals for that long.  Of course no one could hire me until June 24^th, but I’d been actively seeking a job for close to six months.  So it wasn’t that fear crept in to me after only a week’s time, but more like after six months.  I’d expected to be seeing the payoff for all that time this week.  And instead, there was nothing.

In the midst of all this, in my panicky moments, I did two things which both calmed me down.  The first I highly recommended, the second might be more particular to me.  I went to God—over and over and over again, working on trusting Jesus with my future not only in spite of my fear, but through my fear.  I like having a plan.  I like understanding the plan, I like seeing where the plan could be heading and knowing that it’s a good place.  But, it seemed that not only did I not get to be a part of making the plan, I didn’t really know any part of where it was going to end up.  How hard it was for me was a good indication of how far I still had to go, but it was something I really wanted to allow to happen in my life.

The second thing I did was watch the videos my sister had put on YouTube or sent me of Timothy, my nephew, talking.  Like I said, that might be something that only works for me.

Stage Nine: Acceptance of Fear

I finally called my family to tell them how I was feeling on the Fourth of July.  I knew that with the holiday I also wouldn’t hear today. I knew that the fun evening plans I had wouldn’t be enough to distract me from the weight sitting in my stomach now.  So I called my sister who told me very practical things and helped me think through the reality of my situation.

It’s funny, whenever people tell me, “It’ll be fine,” without any real reason for that, it frustrates me.  But when Abby was telling me real practical advice, all I wanted was for her to reassure me.  I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to hear, but no one was saying it.

I called my mom and dad next.  Usually when I feel stressed it’s my dad and his calm that help me feel better.  But this time, it was my mom.  I couldn’t tell you exactly what she said, but I know it was exactly what I wanted to hear.  Sometimes you just need your mom to make it better.

Stage Ten: Waiting

I’m not good at waiting.  I’m really not good at waiting patiently when there’s nothing to do besides just letting other people take care of things and believe that they are taking care of things.  I was starting to feel like people were probably sick of my whining and not knowing exactly what to say to me.  So it was immensely helpful to me to talk to someone who was in a similar position, who was intelligent and well qualified for a job but didn’t have one.  I didn’t have to explain or try to make sense of how I was feeling and he didn’t have to imagine. 

Actually, most things about this day was exactly what I needed—every single part of it from a lot of supportive friends and family.  Especially when I was figuring I would probably hear from the middle school today.  After all, they had said one week, and today was one week.  Obviously, I would hear today.

Nope.  Nothing.  It probably meant they’d offered it to someone else.

Stage Eleven: Believing:
I didn’t want to waste my weekend, and my last upcoming week of summer before I started teaching in LA.  But I couldn’t sit by passively either.  I was trying to wait to hear about the job I had interviewed for first, but since that wasn’t going to be happening until Monday, I felt like I had to do something.

So, I went to Starbucks to load up on coffee and planned to do what I do best: go to the library to get something done.  I’m not entirely sure what I was going to be looking up, but it was going to be something that would get me a job. I was believing that if I was being called out of education it was for a purpose, and eventually I would know some part of the plan.  And as hard as that might be, Jesus was going to provide.

Stage Twelve: Employed

I was sitting at the red light heading to the library when I automatically refreshed my e-mail, not expecting anything.  I certainly didn’t expect to hear from Carl Sandburg Middle School.  But sitting there in my inbox was an e-mail not only offering me the job, but telling me I was their first choice for the position.  I cannot, on my best day, adequately describe what I felt after getting that e-mail.

It was not an easy two weeks—not at all.  But if it had been easy, I’m not sure I would’ve accepted this position.  I feel really good about it, I feel excited, and I feel relieved.  I also feel like I’m called to be at this school.  I’m not sure exactly how long I’m going to be here or why, but I do know that things worked out to the point where I felt really good and excited about this position.  There’s a lot I don’t know, but I do know who’s in charge.  And thank heavens it’s not me.

So, in short, life was pretty hard for a few weeks.  I was scared and hated that.  And I have a job.