The Hollywood Tour

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath. --Oscar Levant 

One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.  --Henry Miller

Hollywood from a distance, through the smog

       I hadn’t always dreamed of seeing Hollywood.  It wasn’t my place of golden dreams and star-studded fantasy.  But at the same time it seemed a shame to be this close—to be living less than 20 miles from the Hollywood sign, the Walk of Fame, and the hand and footprints—and to never see it.  But LA’s public transit system is notoriously bad and would’ve involved an awful lot of time on a bus in order to see the reality in the land of illusions.  So I’m not sure I would’ve gone on my own, but it turned out that I didn’t have to, thanks to Mark Bell.

            Mark is on the Introduction to Robotics instructors at CTY and lives in the Los Angeles area.  He has several advanced degrees in science and engineering and has worked for both private corporations and public schools and now teaches at an exclusive LA private school.  He also loves Hollywood.  He adores it.  He is one of the rarest of men—a local, an insider in the movie industry who has not become disillusioned by the reality of the big screen.  He sees both the grit and the charm and allows the charm of the place to win and spill out from him as he talks about the wonder of it.  He is, in other words, the ideal tour guide.

            In addition to working in science and education, Mark’s other profession, his hobby, his true passion perhaps, is acting.  Since he lives locally he has tried his hand in both stage production—he once played the merchant in The Merchant of Venice—and in small roles on screen.  When I say small roles, I mean he’s been an extra, without lines or a name or credit, but he’s appeared in 24, The West Wing, several commercials, and House.  He has a future son-in-law who makes movie creatures including those for Avatar and other big-budget films. 

Andi and I on Rodeo Drive

            The middle-aged, tall, lanky man drove us easily through Beverly Hills and found a parking spot right on Rodeo Drive.  We stopped to take pictures and he tucked in his blue-button down shirt which had been worn by Hugh Laurie on the set of House and which Mark had bought at a sale later.  We continued on and he got us, as advertised, a Mark Bell Parking Spot right on Hollywood Boulevard—mostly because everyone else was afraid it wasn’t really a spot, but after reading the sign three times Mark was assured it was a legal parking spot and that we wouldn’t be ticketed or towed (and we weren’t).

            He walked us to Grauman’s Chinese Theater with the hand and footprints were and took a picture of me pointing to Emma Watson’s wand print (which somehow isn’t in the picture).  Mark showed us the Dolby Theater where the Red Carpet and statues of Oscar would appear once a year, and tried to tempt us into the McDonald’s across Hollywood Boulevard.

Chinese Theater

            “I mean, every time I go in there, I see someone get arrested,” he told us for the third time as he ran a hand through his longish graying hair.  “Although it hasn’t happened for the last three times, so I’m probably overselling it,” he admitted.  He took us down the path where stars recounted the crazy ways they’d broken into Hollywood—a path which ended with a ceramic bed and a tile that read, “How some of us got here,” beside it.  Mark drove past stars’ homes we couldn’t see behind hedges which effectively (and rightfully) protected Madonna, Faith Hill, and others from our gaze.  He took us down the Sunset Strip and past UCLA’s campus. 

            Throughout it all, Mark talked.  In the absence of questions, Mark answered the ones he wished we would’ve asked.  He told us Central Casting—which would cost each of us about 25 bucks—was the best place to get work as an extra.  He told us we, as young people, would likely face great competition from many aspiring stars, but the market wasn’t too flooded with –in his words—old guys.  He told us about getting fitted in full military uniform—that of a colonel—for a part on The West Wing they didn’t end up using him for.  He told us about his greatest acting regret—not buying out The Merchant of Venice the night of the 79^th Academy Awards in early 2007.  He had been offered an opportunity to wear the costume of Prince Charles as a sort of living mannequin since The Queen was nominated for an Oscar in Costume Design.  But instead Mark had to place The Merchant.  Did I mention he was The Merchant in a community production of The Merchant of Venice?

Imagine this floor red--and Mark
as a Prince Charles mannequin.

            Mark told us about the history of the places we were seeing like the El Capitan Theater—recently purchased by Disney, and the Hollywood and Highland complex—recently built and mostly for tourists.  He told us everything we could want to know and more as we stood slightly dazed by the bright lights, costumed movie character replicas—Jack Sparrow on a certain corner was always Mark’s choice for most realistic.  

Momma on Rodeo Drive

Everyone told me that Hollywood isn’t what they had expected, and they were right.  Honestly, it reminded me an awful lot of Time Square’s smaller, slightly grubbier, younger brother.  For special occasions it could shine its shoes and look good for the cameras, but on a day-to-day basis no locals would ever be there.  Except for Mark.  This was the reason that Andi and I had come—she made the point that going somewhere with a person who really loves a place, who knows it inside and out, is the only way to see something.  I have to agree.   Except for Mark, my perception of the place might be that flat, simple judgment, but his love of it gave it a sparkle, a shine, and a gossamer layer that made it look slightly better in different angles as I stood beneath the bright neon lights. 

            I took Mom there, at her request, one week later, and I took her to almost the exact same places that Mark took us.  The only differences were that we caught a glimpse of LL Cool J on Rodeo Drive and, since it was day time, we could see the Hollywood sign which isn’t illuminated at night. But I’m not sure I captured the sparkle like Mark did.  Actually, since I knew I never could, I didn’t really try.  The Mark Bell Tour is the one you wish you could have gone on.  It’s a tour I wish I could give.

Do you see the Hollywood sign? 

            I don’t just wish I could give a Mark Bell tour of Hollywood, but of anywhere—to love a place enough to just have stories pouring out of me about every aspect of the place.  The past, the present, the crime and the glitz of somewhere.  I’m a pretty good tour guide of a lot of places, but I don’t have my one spot that I could give you the Meghan Short Tour.  I guess I’m trying to give you that tour of my recent trip, and I’m going to do my best, but I’m also going to give this disclaimer: just as the pictures won’t do any of the places justice, neither will my stories.  But words are really all I have, so I’m going to do the best I can.  Welcome aboard this West Coast Tour.